It’s light enough for me to see my way to the bus stop, and with the return of the light, something has been dislodged inside of me.

A feeling that has accompanied me for coming up to two years seems to be shrinking, there’s not much that I can do to stop it, but I’m scared.

I’m scared about what this year will be like without something so familiar.

This feeling is something I’ve tried to let go of multiple times before, but feeling it slipping from my grasp like this is terrifying.

There’s the lingering feeling of jealousy, but who he likes is out of my control.

It’s fun to watch him talk to the boy he likes, and see that he acts the same way I did, but around him.

What carries the most bittersweet feeling is when he tells me he’s never felt this way about someone else. I’m glad for him, but it leaves me stranded again.

A lot of things have been ending recently, but not something like this, something that has run underneath everything and now it’s like the floor isn’t there anymore.

I’m falling, looking for something to hold onto .

And there’s a new feeling in me, a want for something I’ve been seeing a lot of recently, and unless a couple things change, it doesn’t look too likely.

I think I’m back to liking girls at the moment.

I so desperately want to be loved like in the songs, but I need to come to terms with physical contact before anything else.

It’s not fair that everything comes to him before me.

It’s not fair that he’s going to have a storybook romance that I’ve wanted for so long

It’s not fair that he likes the right person, someone who will like him back

It’s not fair that he’s allowed to be immature and still considered attractive

It’s not fair that people have only just started saying that he and I are cute together

Just rub it in my face why don’t you?

And now I have to be his best friend, helping him through his self-discovery

Why am I so stubbornly resistant to sharing to anything that can actually respond?

I’m tired, I’m so damn tired

But I can’t be tired, because he needs me

He needs his only female friend, because she’s the one who can hold his hand and give him advice.

I feel like such a cheap traitor when I’m writing this, because why can’t I just be happy for my friend, especially if I like him so much. And I’m walking on eggshells because I don’t want to hear how happy he is because I don’t trust myself face to face with him anymore.

Nobody I fancy is as convenient as he was.

It was easier to like love when I had a face to put to the word.

It was nice to have those feelings to come back to every day, like a shaggy dog who perks up when they smell you through the front door.

It was nice thinking about a future where he would hold me when I was crying

I don’t want to have to start all over again, like slipping into and unfamiliar bed with cold and stiff sheets that don’t know me yet.

There is the possibility of new feelings, new people, but it doesn’t feel like I can take them anywhere, and I can’t bear to wait, not when I thought my waiting was finally over.

The return of spring was supposed to bring promises of romance in the summer, but now, with the plum tree at the end of my road all white and frilly, now, with the crocuses making their debut in the dog park, I’m hollowed out and stuffed with cotton wool in a futile effort to keep myself warm.

A letter to the love of my life

To boys from girls

The end (of winter) is nigh

My first zine

Full circle