why i write

as joan didion herself borrowed this title from george orwell for her iconic essay, so shall i take this from the both of them. i have been in quite the writing slump lately, and i’ve been struggling with feeling like my writing isn’t good enough, so it seemed apt to return to my why, and in doing so, reflect on the writers and ideas that have deeply inspired me. although i write for myself, i am greatly impacted by the books i’ve read, people i’ve met, teachers i’ve had, and so much more.

i’ve been prompted to think about this more i’ve had so many people unsubscribe from me this month, and it’s starting to get a little overwhelming and deepen the imposter syndrome that i’ve always had with writing. december was such a good month for me in terms of validation for my writing, and january has been the opposite. i’ve been feeling a bit more unsure about posting and kinda obsessed with my subscribers count and other vanity metrics. eventually, i realized that writing, something i once did for myself only, as a way to attempt to better understand the depths of my soul, has been tainted by shallow metrics. this led me to wonder: if i’m truly writing for myself, then why am i so obsessed with how it’s viewed by other people? when creating and posting content, is it even possible to be fully writing for oneself?

and not the people themselves, the connections, ideas, collaborations, and interactions, but the most pointless thing of all: numbers. something to signal to other people that i’m not a fake, my writing has merit, look at how many subscribers i have. what at first was helping to dismantle my imposter syndrome has now made it exponentially worse. every subscriber i lost became a sign that i’m not good enough. was it the poem i wrote? am i not good at poetry after all? should i just stick to essays? or was it just me?

my writing was no longer art, public embodiments of my very soul, but products to convince a nameless entity to hit the subscribe button. if only i hit my next goal, had more growth, maybe then i’d be able to see myself as a true writer.

but with every goal i hit, my feelings surrounding writing grew more and more complex. it never was enough. i craved the validation and dopamine hits so much that it completely took over my life. i was constantly checking my emails, notifications, and subscriber chart. my self esteem went up and down along with my subscriber count.

somewhere along the way, i lost the soul of my writing, of myself as the writer, succumbing to the numbers, appearances, and metrics. every comment i left was weaponized, aimed at getting just one more subscriber. my friends would succedd and i’d find myself comparing rather than celebrating. my initial emotions were those of jealousy, not joy on their behalf. in what seems to be a recurring theme of the modern world, my passions were being poisoned by a stupid number on my screen. my entire self-worth as an author relies on others’ perceptions of me.

i’ve always harbored some insecurity regarding my writing. maybe it’s because i only started my substack late 2025, and that was honestly the first time i really started writing for myself. i had always been good at writing for english classes and academics, and i decided to start writing more in my free time. it’s now such a major part of my life, and i’m incredibly passionate about it, but it’s filled with the sense of not being good enough. in the midst of published authors and people who have been writing for years, what gives me the right to put my unedited and quickly sprawled words into the world? who am i to expect people to read them?

someone, i’m becoming more and more aware of how new at writing i am and how little experience i truly have. i’m far younger than you would think and have absolutely no idea what i have to offer the world. arriving at substack with barely any experience and validation for my writing caused me to attach my feelings on my creations to what was right there: the subscriber count.

and honestly, i think we all do. no one’s going to like hearing this, but we wouldn’t be here putting out thoughts and writings into the world if we didn’t want them to be read. an aspect of being a creater on an online space is the desire for external validation. while this may be less apparent with writing, as it’s fueled by dreams, passions, and burning ideas, it’s still incredibly dangerous. so i’m here to tell you: your art is worth so much more than a number. your art contained so much depth, life, and emotion to it. and as writers, as artists, our value does not rest upon others’ perceptions.

by all means, appreciate this encouragement, make friends, and be a supporter! but recognize that all of your interactions are with people, and you yourself are a person. physically creating and publishing writing to the outside world can lead us to forget that our words come from within us. your writing may be available externally, but the place it truly matters is in its imprint on your soul. although the validation seems magical, the true magic is within your self.

although i’ve been struggling with this, in my heart i know that i don’t write for other people. in fact, i write for myself in the deepest sense of it. i write to understand my own thoughts, ideas, and experiences through the lens of fiction, poetry, and essays. i’m not writing for validation: i’m writing for survival. i write because i am a little crazy, and i write so i don’t go crazy. as joan didion in her essay titled why i write said, "I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means." in short, i write because it is who i am. my words are made up of me, and i am made up of my words.

in contrast, in his essay titled why i write, george orwell staes that there are four reasons for writing. the first is for ego, to be validated and remembered. although i loathe to admit it, i have found myself severely motivated by this. this is the trap found in subscriber counts, vanity metrics, and comparison. the second is for beauty, in both the subject matter and the writing itself. this encapsulated many things: aesthetics, passion, feeling, experiences, and appreciation of the world. in my opinion, this is the soul and artistry of the word, and therefore the world. the third is for truth, or to “see things as they are.” this is writing as a way to understand and educate facts, events, and society. the forth and final reason is for change, or as orwell so eloquently put it as, “the desire to push the world in a certain direction, to alter other people’s idea of the kind of society that they should strive after.”

i believe that writing is a mix of all, and that’s the magic of it. beauty, ego, truth, and change— oh, how powerful it is! personally, i am on a journey of forgetting the ego in favor of the beauty, truth, and change. i’m not writing solely to be read, i’m writing to feel, learn, and exist within myself.

now this is not to say that i’m disvaluing my incredible viewers. rather, i’m learning to value them more. for you are so more than a number, more than a stepping stone for a goal. you are people, readers, companions, and friends. by remebering why i write, and returning to it in my thoughts and actions, i’m helping both you and me.

so while i still have complex emotions surrounding writing, i’m returning to my why: my passion, storytelling, adventuring, and curiosity that make up my words. i’m so incredibly grateful to each and every one of you, you really mean the world to me. i’m unsure if i’ll ever be fully confident in my merit as a writer, i am human afterall, but i’m so excited for us to grow together.