The Intro - The Old and the New

This is my story: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am not going to hide the truth anymore. I have lived many different lives in the short span of my life. Hiding from myself and due to fear of love. Fear of being weak when people see who I am—a broken and terrified little boy who just wants to be loved.

Back in 2018, I started a blog. Just a little something simple to start sharing my truth. I shared quite a few things, such as how I was raped. Stating it so bluntly now, it still leaves a sting. It is a wound that I ignored for three years until I finally wrote that post. In my mind, I figured if I ignored it, then it never happened. I was wrong. I let so many “wounds” sit and fester, creating a deep void inside of me, tearing my body into multiple different identities and personas. I never thought that it would all happen like this, nor did I think it would all catch up to me in such a way that would drive me to insanity.

So much has caused me to love someone, simply for saying ‘hello’ to me. This is not about how I loved the wrong people; it is about how I lied to myself the entire time while doing so. I would claim that life was fine, and everything was perfect, yet when the chips were down, I could never explain how “perfect” it was. I put on my rose-colored glasses and made them a part of my soul for so long. I became numb to everything to cope with everything.

Now, I am not saying that my life is the absolute worst; however, I am saying that I treated myself so damn poorly, for so damn long, that the only thing my brain can comprehend is talking about it all in extremes. There is no longer a neutral ground in my mind; I only register heaven and hell. Living in extremes is not so bad all the time, really, but it is also extremely hard on the mind because you are pulled in two different directions. Imagine the angel and demon sitting on your shoulders, but they have their talons driving deep into your skull, and with each passing scenario, they tug on your head. Slowly over time, this tug-of-war starts to cause a split, causing a complete loss of reality and your senses. You then start to live in a state of loss and bliss, all wrapped up with a bow to hide the pain and help you put on a pretty face.

Not anymore.

This memoir is me trying to reclaim my past, present, and future. This is me mourning the loss of those dear to me on both a physical and metaphysical level. From my friends to my family, even my innocence, this is my chance to return the favor and remember them all for who they are. All things considered, the entire memoir will truly just be a stream of consciousness. There is no true linear path, but a collection of small essays, you could say. Each chapter is a frame of thought around a singular concept or feeling. This is truly a chance for a moment of healing for me, and embracing the pain and beauty of healing.

This entire book is just a collection of essays from my mind, and they are all my opinion on different subjects. Some affected me personally, while others are me looking from the outside, but either way, these are all very important Such as matters of love, race, sexuality, mental health, rape, eating disorders, and abusive relationships. Life is not pretty; it is time to bring out ALL of the ugly features and call out shitty things in life that continue to happen so we can learn and grow as a society and prevent these atrocities from continuing to occur.

I want to use this as my most honest confession. This is my first ever confession, really, and it is all from my point of view. Twenty-four years in the making. Twenty-four years of living have led to this moment, where I can share everything I have seen in truly just a stream of consciousness. There is no linear path that this book takes, despite my trying many times to steer the book in many different ways, and it has taken so many different forms that some chapters are truly a slapped-together mess that, to me, makes the most sense based on everything mentioned. Sometimes I felt that chaos is the most beautiful way to convey a message, so I did just that. Breaking chapters up many times to share a poem or show journal entries, a suicide note, or even an open letter to my parents.

All in all, I feel this book is very true to me in many ways, and I hope this honesty does not cause you to hate me. If it does, I am sorry you feel that way. This needed to be done for my sanity, and I hope you can accept that, and see that I need to hold myself accountable for everything I have thought or felt or even done. I have lived the love of my life as a show; it’s been all smoke and mirrors. So much has been done to keep everyone at bay, so no one knows who I am or what I think. When I tell people anything, it is always a small detail, and the “same” information, depending on the person, I may share more or less, so that way people don’t have to know my life. I have spent so much time lying about who I am, I need to change that, and just “beat” everyone over the head with this poorly written book, so you have no choice really but to acknowledge who or what I am, and I have no choice but to finally one clean and finally break a cycle and heal.

The Addendums

This book was originally written from October 2019 to August 2020, as it was truly finished after my stay in a psychiatric hospital. So much has changed in the past four years, and it truly forced me to wake up and learn how to take care of myself in an appropriate manner without going through life in a half-assed manner. I have been forced to grow up, finally, learn who I am, and accept where I should be going in life. I still am trying my best every day to learn who I desire to be, but one thing I do know is that life does get easier with time. Life does not stop for anyone, sadly, so there will come a point in time when I will, unfortunately, be forced to make a choice. Change or suffer.

Life is very cruel in that way. We are not always given a choice, as factors outside of our control will force our hands to grow and adapt. That is what happened to me. I was not mentally ready to face the trauma in my life, but I had no choice but to sit down and listen to what the demons in my head had to say. I had to listen to the message life was trying to tell me, and that message told me I needed to finally wake up and stop living in the nightmare of my creation. I lived in a delusion of pure chaos and torment, as I was so deep in my self-hate that I still struggled with the idea of whether I deserved love of any kind. I am finally able to maybe consider that I am worthy, but this is going to be something I will always struggle with.

This brings me to now. Present day, where I am sitting here re-reading what I wrote and proud of the progress I made, while wishing I could change it all. I cannot remove the pain I experienced, but I can share one simple sentiment.

It gets better.

I know that seems like a beautiful lie, but I can honestly say it is very much true. My hand was forced, and I had to learn to swim, or I could just let myself drown. I chose to swim, and I am here today, still stumbling through life. I have learned the power of forgiveness and am finally learning how to grant that to myself. Forgiving others is hard, but learning to forgive yourself is much harder.

This brings us to why I wanted to rewrite the book, making it more coherent while adding more context to my thoughts on everything I had to say. A lot has changed in the past few years, but I still feel as though I am the same person I was when I first started writing this story. I still feel scared, and I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just wait in fear for my life to blow up, and oftentimes, I feel this primarily with my relationships. I know that I can, at times, wear my heart on my sleeve, and often, this can be a bit misleading, for I don’t even know what my emotions are. I spend most of my life in a constant state of fear that I will mislead others, all while living in fear of the love others want to give me. Every person I meet is enough for me to fall into a state of panic mentally because I feel I will be the reason their life falls apart. I know deep down that is not true, but to be completely honest, anxiety and I are best friends at this point, and the way it holds me close.

I think back to when I wrote this “book,” how depressed I was, and how I was mentally ready to end it all any day. I still joke about how crazy I was back then because that is how I process my trauma and how I heal. I have to joke about what occurred, as it helps me remove the pain from the past, as I no longer see it as the root of my trauma but as the punch line to some self-deprecating joke. I love that I was honest and said what I needed to help me heal, though I do blatantly call this book an overly glorified suicide note. As I stated at some point in the story, I made a deal with myself where I would not self-harm or attempt suicide until my story was written. I kept my part of the deal, and I wrote my story in 11 months. However, I left many parts out, and I also attempted to be optimistic at the end. It was a pathetic attempt, as it was all a lie at the time. I did not see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I was fully convinced that any day I would die soon.

I do still view this book as a suicide note, and I do not think I will ever view it differently. This book is the purest depiction of who I am and where I was mentally. I am human. I am flawed, and I make mistakes. I have hopes, dreams, and fears just like everyone else. I show it all here. I show how the mind can spiral when you are backed into a corner, and the only way out in your mind is death. I was weak and scared. I was mentally and emotionally ready to leave this world, and sadly, I attempted suicide many times, but I never saw it as an issue. To me, it was a sick joke.

Flash forward a good 4 years, and as I have said, I still struggle at times, which is okay. I am not trying to deny that I struggle to this day, but if anything, I am far more aware of how I feel in my day-to-day life. I do not mince my words, something that has always been part of my identity, as I am very bold and loud. I then use that “talent” to show off both the good and ugly sides of who I am, as every aspect of me is valid, as they help create my identity. I may not be suicidal, but I still have bad days. I still have moments in which I do not want to get out of bed ever again and wish I could run into the woods and live with a family of raccoons. Life has its ups and downs, and I do not wish to diminish what I felt prior, but I want to explain where I am now mentally. Life is a truly unpredictable ride, and you never know what to expect or what can happen next, but life is also about learning how to adapt in the face of adversity. I may never know who I will be tomorrow, and I may never know what I will become next week or a month later, but I do know that I will always keep growing and pushing forward through life. I will never give up again. I have learned so much about myself and who I want to be in the future, which is why I have been working hard to better myself. I now set goals more often and push myself to reach them, but I make sure they are realistic goals. From that goal, I then create multiple benchmarks and avenues for me to ensure I get where I want in the end. I ensure I stay busy, I ensure that I am active, and I do not let negative thoughts take over, as I am constantly moving, focusing on becoming the best version of myself. That may not seem like a very healthy thought process. However, it works for me as it reminds me of everything I have accomplished and the progress I have made towards the goals I have set.

This brings me back to the purpose of writing these addendums. I am still alive, thankfully, and I have learned so much through the assistance of therapy and life experiences. I have started to give up more on having a perfectionist view and have learned to try to be more realistic and practical. I am only human, so I can only achieve so much, and that is perfectly fine. If I happen to fail at anything, I need to learn from it. I do struggle with that at times, but I know I cannot succeed and be the best at everything. A good example is my college work, as I often worked too hard to try and maintain a certain level of perfection, such as getting only a perfect grade on each assignment I completed to maintain a 4.0 GPA. I do not need to keep that GPA, and I am grateful I have learned that eventually, as I was becoming physically sick due to the high levels of stress I was putting upon myself, I can keep a grade that does not matter in the end. Once I have my degrees, all jobs are not exactly worried about the GPA I graduated with, for they are more concerned about whether I know the subject material or not.

Yes, having a high GPA, in the end, could say I know the necessary subject material so I can act as an expert in my field, but it does not inherently mean my qualifications are better than someone else’s. As long as I show I have met the qualifications needed to become an instructor at a college, or be able work within the literary world, and clearly show I am capable of learning and doing better with the information provided, my GPA does not matter. Maybe I have the logic wrong, or I am wording it incorrectly as well, but I am worried about my grades and ensuring I learn everything I can and more. I just am not going to stress over keeping a high level of perfection if it means I put my well-being at risk. I do hope that makes sense.

Currently, I still have no idea what I am doing, and I doubt I will ever know. That is the beautiful thing about life. Nothing is certain besides life, death, and taxes. I will never know where I am going in life, nor will I ever know if I am living my life correctly. All I will know is that I am alive, and I am doing what I can to put one foot in front of the other, and I will continue the constant march forward in life toward a goal I hope to eventually obtain.