The Great American Novel

Lately, I've been thinking about my legacy, and how if the current literacy trends in the US continue, none of anything I’ve written so far will be even remotely legible in about three years.

So, I wanted to put out something that would truly endure and be accessible to everyone, even people who have been de facto lobotomized by industrial pollution and AI infinite scroll slop.

Enjoy!

This is the Great American Novel.

The main character is a man. Duh. His name is Brian. He is a good guy. He drives a fast car. It is very expensive. Brian is very fit. He eats protein.

But there are other people.

Their names are Jack, Sue, and Bob.

Jack is a bad guy. He does not like Brian. He wants to destroy the world. Maybe he doesn’t eat enough protein. That is the conflict.

Brian does not want the world to be destroyed. That's why he is the good guy.

Sue is a woman. She is blonde. She does Pilates. She is a good guy. But she is with Jack. Maybe he kidnapped her.

But then, Brian fights Jack. Brian punches Jack in the face and Jack dies. Or Brian uses a gun. Kapow! Punching! Shooting! Brian says something funny.

Then something explodes. Don’t worry! It’s not the world. Brian saves the world.

Brian wins!

Brian is the good guy, so it's good that he wins.

Then Sue says, “I love you, Brian.”

And Brian says, “I love you, Sue.”

The two of them get married. They have a big wedding. They live in a big house. It is very expensive. That is good.

Then everyone is happy because the bad guy lost and the good guy won. The world wasn't destroyed.

The end.

(You should feel happy that the good guy won and the world was not destroyed.)

Also, I forgot that there's another character called Bob. Let's say he's a dog who can talk and he tells jokes. Bob is cute. The jokes are funny.

You should laugh at them.

So yeah, then I imagine the next, like, 200 pages of the book could just be coupons for gambling — I’m sorry, I mean “futures markets,” — bitcoins, OnlyFans, and various Mr. Beast products. Now I don’t want to see any more articles about how there’s no great American millennial novel or whatever because I just wrote it and this is it so shut up.

Looking for stupid unusual writing like this? Check out my website at AndyFuturo.com.