The Curse I Finally Understood

For all fellow polymaths out there

Here—here is Home. Welcome.

Lying on the roof, looking at the stars, I questioned the infinite why I am like this. One star winked at me and said, “Oh, such a pity it is to be like you; So Ignorant!”.

I winced at my state. Even the stars think I’m not worthy. My life’s like the triple point equilibrium— never fully ice, never fully water, never fully steam; all three yet none at once.

No, it’s enough. Enough of living in the confusion, forever collecting the shattered parts of me. Bits of me were found in books, in lives that don’t exist yet haunt my memories. Few shatters were in people. The rest of me was spread in the nature. In trees that stand tall to butterflies that fly, in the eternal sea to clouds in the sky.

But why, why am I here; what’s my purpose? Why is it that I have to wake up, work, study, eat and sleep? Is that it? That’s the goddamn purpose I’ve been assigned to?

I screamed into the abyss in hope of receiving an answer to my endless questions. Silence.

That’s—that’s all the abyss had to offer?

Silence? When answers are what I seek?

I rolled to my side. Night’s deep rustling sounds and the moonlit roof soothes the soul. I stared at nothing for a while. The Silence that felt so heartbreaking a moment ago felt golden.

Probably, I thought, we weren’t supposed to be understood. The never-ending thirst to learn. Oh, the urge to fall in a tunnel of books. Oh, to fall forever! Oh, to talk about the origins of the universe while the rain falls to the earth!

But dear, how can you compare divers to the drowned? Diving is careful. It’s restricted; it’s controlled. Drowning however…Drowning is messy, full of chaos, unplanned.

I gasped for breath as my chest tightened. Someone help me! Dang, I can’t reach to the surface!

My face swell as I tried to move my arms. I tried to move my legs, flailing, thrashing like crazy in hope. Hope to get out alive, hope to reach the surface—

For what? Wake up, work, study, eat and sleep? Is that it?

I submit.

Learning felt like drowning. But at the depths I discovered, drowning is worth it. The undiscovered beauty unfolded in front of my burning eyes.

Why is the grass green?

~C.G

For people who love drowning.