Reasons I Write

I am a mess

You don't want to see what goes on in my head

Except for those who do

Want to compare my mess to theirs

Long to see their pain in the mirror of someone elses eyes

You ask if I'm okay

My words keep cutting you deeper than a knife

You don't want to feel my pain

Its something I've always contained

Causally mention that I should have died

With a smile on my face

That's the thing

Its just a fact

An act from a forgotten past

But I didn't forget

Even when I can't remember

It's written in my soul

It comes out as violent thoughts in my head

Or fierce protection of our child's innocence

Or distrust in my eyes

Of strangers

Of friends

Even family

How could I trust anyone else when I can't even trust myself?

I know what goes on

Behind the closed doors of my eyes

Yet i'm a good person

Right?

So how much worse is it

When they can't control their impulses

They've already lied, stolen mementos and forced tears

If I can't watch your life recorded and judge your worst decision

Then you'll never have my trust

I'll still ask for yours

And guard your children close

Shield them from the world I know

While painting them a new one

A false one

Where no one drinks

No one lies

Cheats

Or fakes their smiles

No one forces food down their throats

And adults apologize

One I wished I lived in

But if I did their safety wouldn't be my greatest goal

I wouldn't know how to keep them out of the shadows

I wouldn't see what's hidden before I see the surface

So no I won't stop reliving my pain

So I can share it

So others who understand

Can see that I bleed the same way

And they don't have to hide their pain

They can weaponize it

Against a world everyone only pretends to understand