Reasons I Write
Nonfiction poetry

I am a mess
You don't want to see what goes on in my head
Except for those who do
Want to compare my mess to theirs
Long to see their pain in the mirror of someone elses eyes
You ask if I'm okay
My words keep cutting you deeper than a knife
You don't want to feel my pain
Its something I've always contained
Causally mention that I should have died
With a smile on my face
That's the thing
Its just a fact
An act from a forgotten past
But I didn't forget
Even when I can't remember
It's written in my soul
It comes out as violent thoughts in my head
Or fierce protection of our child's innocence
Or distrust in my eyes
Of strangers
Of friends
Even family
How could I trust anyone else when I can't even trust myself?
I know what goes on
Behind the closed doors of my eyes
Yet i'm a good person
Right?
So how much worse is it
When they can't control their impulses
They've already lied, stolen mementos and forced tears
If I can't watch your life recorded and judge your worst decision
Then you'll never have my trust
I'll still ask for yours
And guard your children close
Shield them from the world I know
While painting them a new one
A false one
Where no one drinks
No one lies
Cheats
Or fakes their smiles
No one forces food down their throats
And adults apologize
One I wished I lived in
But if I did their safety wouldn't be my greatest goal
I wouldn't know how to keep them out of the shadows
I wouldn't see what's hidden before I see the surface
So no I won't stop reliving my pain
So I can share it
So others who understand
Can see that I bleed the same way
And they don't have to hide their pain
They can weaponize it
Against a world everyone only pretends to understand
