on being saved

Every time I fade away, falling back into things I know I shouldn’t, you spring up like wings on my back. You keep me from drowning with nothing more than a smile. You’re my emergency contact because I believe that your presence could revitalize me, and I wish I could inject your laughter into my veins.

We’ve shared so much in all this time. Experiences and tears, hope, encouragement, and fears. We’ve had fights that never last, and smiles that always do. I can’t look at you in Physics, if I do, I’ll start laughing about something stupid you said as you drove me home last night. It might have been about a guy or a party, or maybe your parents, but that doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I was sharing it with you.

There’s so much I wish I could tell you, starting with how much I love you, but for now we’ll just sit in comfortable silence— quiet solidarity and peace. I’m over at your house so much that your parents tried to ground me once, and they always ask about school. We’ll grab snacks (bottom left drawer in your pantry) before wandering up into your room. We’ll dance, talk, and probably read for a while. Maybe we’ll put on Mamma Mia as we eat like we always do. I know you want to go to Greece.

There’s nothing more special than finding your person, and I’m so lucky to have found that in you. You’ve saved my life in ways I could never articulate, no matter how hard I try. I don’t have a big enough vocabulary to convey my feelings, but I know you understand. You hate running, but you always run with me.

I love you in the way that you love pasta, chocolates, sad books, fairs, ice skating, new york city, psychology, and the color pink. You love me in the way that I love running, classics, music, rain, tea, burgundy, and raspberries. You’ll put on a song and I’ll say I love it, you’ll just say, “I know.” And that’s more powerful than anything.

I’ll recommend you things and I know you’ll like them, because I did. I bring extra food for you because you always forget. You’re an early riser, so you get me coffee every morning, you know I never have time. So much has changed, my new friends and your kinda boyfriend, but I know you’ll be there for me. People who say romance is the purest form of love have never had a friend like you.

I reread Everything I Know About Love every year and every year I text you the same quotes. I’m consistent to a fault, and you’re spontaneous enough for the both of us. We’ll always even out. We must have been friends in every lifetime; that’s the only reason why I would have been able to survive.

We fight, sure, everyone does, but I’ve learned to value your smiles over my ego. There’s nothing that we can’t talk through if we’re determined enough. After all, "if I were a unicorn I’d be the pink one that everyone is jealous of,” and “if you were a fairy you’d be gorgeous and sparkly and have way better magic than everyone else.” (yes, this was a real discussion, I have the receipts to prove it)

When I’m with you, love is a verb that is actioned every single second without another thought. Even when I’m mad at you, I stare at the person who has held me as I cried, been steady as I trembled, shore while I drowned. I don’t know what’ll happen, there’s so many unknowns, but how could I ever forget the girl who saved me when I didn’t know I needed rescuing?

I have parts of me that exist solely because of you, like “oh my days” and “remember when” and “I’m so ribes about you.” I know this won’t make sense to anyone else, and that’s okay, because it’s my love letter to you.