Oil Paint and Brushstrokes

Brush

A heavy feeling settled around me, amidst the thick fog and misty trees. Nothing feels real anymore. The more I look outward, the more inward I turn. What’s real and fake, what’s existing and what’s not, who’s true and who’s false, what’s meaningful and what’s not; who’s to tell?

This must not be a simulation.

My hand instinctively moved towards another arm; I need a hug. A hug might prove it’s real, happening.

Does it matter if I am being controlled? My hand tightened across my shivering body. I can feel my hand, the touch, the coziness, the grass beneath my skin and the quiet unease. Simulations shouldn’t work this way.

Is meaning absolute? Is truth meaningful or meaning truth?

I fear I might have reached my Schwarzschild radius by now.

The clouds filled the abyss with thunder. Something is real. Refreshing.

But then the veil of sleep shadowed my eyes, which reminds me…

my dream isn’t real, then how is this world not a dream?

Oil Paints

Hmm…

Reality. A weird state. The intermediate state in a chemical reaction. Sometimes catchable, sometimes not. A state of things as they actually exist. ‘Actually’ must be defined though. My ‘actually’ is different from your ‘actually’. We can’t define a single state of the world.

Does this all exist in someone’s brain?

Dreams. Dostoevsky said, ‘When one is in a morbid state of health, one’s dreams are often characterized by unusual vividness and brilliance, and also by an extremely lifelike quality.’ My mind jumps to a speculative conjecture, to which I can’t help but giggle and wish the creator may get well soon…

The secrets must be uncovered. I used to play GTA as a child. I made C.J. a billionaire by breaking banks and a couple of bones, but who cares…

…Our world could be entirely a game. Some higher civilisation person could be playing me right now, saving progress and coming back. I’m glad I am not a NPC. But now that I come to think of it, nobody is an NPC. There must be an alien playing the role of everyone, with their own missions and quests. Sonder is what they call it.

It isn’t necessary to deny reality though. Science claims reality is made up of matter, they have built countless theories exploring the world, none of which is false, or at least they don’t appear to be.

They say, consciousness is a product of the brain. It’s created, it’s a perception and we have no soul. Everything is made up of atoms, which are made up of quarks, gluons, neutrinos…

Which- is way worse than being in a simulation.

As far as I know, there’s more to this world than atoms and molecules. Consciousness must be true!

Oh, but what if I am the only one to exist? Everything else, this grass, this world, humans could be an illusion of my mind! This invalidates the earlier realization of sonder though. The reality is a representation of myself…Hahaha, but, but why can’t I control everything to be in my favor then?

Maybe!

Perhaps everything is conscious! From the smallest pebble to us, experience is universal. The ‘all soul’ theory is interesting. It gives consciousness a chance to be present. According to Schopenhauer, “All ostensible mind can be attributed to matter, but all matter can likewise be attributed to mind”. No way my phone is judging me.

But again. How could I forget!

Probably reality holds no meaning. ‘Self’ is an illusion. There’s no meaning to any of this- this whatever act I am putting on! Oh how stupid I could be! Of course reality is meaningless. This life I have, what’s it for? We live, eat, sleep…

…just to die.

Wait, that must mean my thinking till now was…meaningless?

Is that so?

No, no, heh, I’m mistaken. There must be something else. Something must explain. Maybe, the world exists, but so do I, as a separate being from my body of flesh and bones. The observer and observed could be the same! Does that mean I made this world and I am living in it; I’ll die and then merge with myself?

I can probably merge…others will too, stupid isn’t it? we’re coming and going endlessly with no purpose at all?

Oh, I tried, think and tank! For what? the world must be…

….no! Nothing is working anymore! Nothing does the job—Nothing explains this- your theories have solid base ground in heads! How do you explain this feeling I’m feeling? There has to be something real, because the tingles, the chest pangs, the tickles, shivers aren’t hallucinations!

Are you in the noble search for truth? I have only one contribution dear traveller, my experience is lived through, it’s here, my heart isn’t a construct of my brain, and I- I feel emotions right here, whatever maybe the reality, this feeling is the only truth I know of!

….

Brushstrokes

Is my perception right? Who validates perception? You? Me? God?

How do I know I’m right?

Do you know what’s the truth?

Does the third person perspective always work? What if the third person is biased?

Is there a better way to analyze reality?

Can we ever reach the finale to this spiral?

I had finally realized that I know nothing.

With a defeated mind, I lay in the grass silent, waiting for the false answers I’d probably receive someday. Yes, someday that must happen.

— C.G.

Thanks for reading!