nighttime rambles

Good evening. I’m feeling utterly nauseous about what has happened the past few days. When I began the week I had no idea things would turn out this way. I should know by now to expect the worst even when it’s good. My sleep has been so poor, my diet shoddy, and my mornings have been filled with anxiety to the point of having to lie down in the shower. Because if I think too much about it all, I want to crawl into the earth and let it swallow me. None of us deserve to feel debilitating bodily symptoms of our minds’ trauma, above all from all this. Even if I try to forget, I’ll remember. Why is the world so cruel? Theologically I know the answer, but mentally I’m struggling. It’s the first time I’ve thrown up from anxiety since I was in high school. I thought I had it under control.

I joined that platform to share my heart at first. Maybe you only know me from wrizzit, but I originally joined the place I won’t name because I needed to get pain off my chest. It was private. Safe. My words were read by me alone and I was happy with that. I made it public because I wanted to find likeminded souls, to find a community. I’ve always felt alone regarding how I deal with life and my mental health, so the friendships I’ve made there mean the world to me. I was rereading some of your pieces tonight and I cried. My heart swells for you all so deeply, I find it hard to explain. For a few of you, it goes above the parasocial and we’ve built a connection outside the platform. There is so much soul in your work. Damn. I wish I could fix it all.

Here’s a hug from me through the screen (did you feel it?) <3