Mar. 31st

The desert is gray, a windy valley. I love this weather, it makes me feel comfortable. Chopped down the Nectarine Tree today. Lot of sawing, a lot of snipping. It was dead and dying, no more blooming. I was thinking about my grandfather a lot. Stuff like that, we always did together, and now I do it alone. A lot tougher with just one man, but it got done. Makes me feel closer to him, even if I don't have quite as green a thumb as he ever did. Also just makes me miss him and his presence. But I feel him on the wind, his words, sounds, shapes—sometimes.

My palms feel rough and my arms are burning, a good feeling. Did what I needed to. On top of some homework. Rot for an hour after it was all said and done, and here I am.

I met the sweetest woman lately, and she seemed to really like me, but I just can't do all of that right now. I feel bad for it, but we communicated and she was very understanding. Like I said, the sweetest. Just can't seem to bring myself up to par and I have so much going on. Also want to go to Japan next year for work experience so, I don't think it's ideal to start much anyways. And it seems that a few professors are willing to help me in that regard so I may have a good chance.

Also just like feeling free, even if I do miss my past life. It's been good making friends and going where I want whenever I want. Even if I don't have a whole lot.

Finally cried last night, but only briefly. I most definitely need more. It was during that unsent project bullshit I dove into. No idea why, but I like melancholic things.

Found a few that broke me. A few that I wish I had heard myself, but alas, things were split at the seams, the bones maybe, just splintered and cracked.

I wish my grandfather was still around to talk to. He really was my rock. His words always cut through my haziness of emotion that I am still not quite keen on navigating.

Anyways, back to the Cocteau Twins and nostalgia. I've found a lot of myself again. Which is good to say the least. Feel like I am just now starting to live, even if I don't really want to.