Mar. 30th

I need to cry sometime soon. Just hard to force it out. It needs to just wash over me usually, whenever I reach the breaking point. Need to put it out there. It will come.

A spring shower is on the horizon. Harsh winds and gray clouds covered up the moon tonight, making it look hazy. It was lovely. Hadn't played any video games lately and I finally got around to it today. Some Crimson Desert. Already lost, in a good way. Played inbetween work and I want to finish the day off with it, but we'll see. The shadows are saying I could've went harder today, but that'll be reserved for tomorrow.

Need to uproot a twenty year old tree. Well—two of them actually. But it's a lot harder when it's just me. Last time I did this was with my Grandfather. He's not around anymore. Passed away over two years ago. Time just gets faster and faster.

Except for when it comes to my tolerance break. One week left. Then I get to smoke again. Hope he's proud of me.

Also need to do some homework, maybe some Japanese studying, and then some personal reading. I make lists now, which has helped immensely.

Still not caring, but honestly rotting away feels worse. Even if it would be preferred. Whenever I feel like this I am reminded of Sandra Cisneros' "Eleven" short story. In the end, the narrator wants to become a balloon and fly away and away. I would like that.

I catch myself saying the phrases I used to always say to my dog. And I force myself to stop. It never feels right to use it with my grandparents' pets. I come up with new ones I resort to. Stupid shit. Sometimes I think I miss my ex but then the rage comes through, and the heartbreak, and the pulling away from my dog. It blunders it all. Never again. Never again. I hope she still isn't looking at the door for me. My beauty, my G. That's the stuff that tears me apart. Last time I saw her was—well—doesn't matter honestly. As long as G remembers me sometimes because I think about her almost everyday. More than my ex, which, we had our good times, but it's all been muddied so—good riddance I guess. That was probably a mouth full, pardon me. It's usually the same shit over and over again.

Images of death.

Reminiscing so much lately. I thought I was over the hill but another one comes around. Just—hollowed out.

Anyways, I have a mini blizzard, some jazz, and a video game to get to. I hope I fall into a deep sleep tonight. God knows I need it.