I'm breaking up with seasonal depression

I hate the cold. I love seasons. Hate the cold. Hate the negative temperatures not 32+ degrees fahrenheit. And no that’s not the only reason why I’m going to the most sweltering place on earth and no that’s not the only reason I’m leaving Illinois. However, it’s quite a large part of the “why.”

At the beginning of this year I had goals for myself I had loose plans that I thought were all going to work out, it’s my senior year of college and I had worked for these things. I’ve never been a “five year plan” type of girl but I at least thought I knew how my last semester of college was going to play out: Be the President of my club, be in the theater department play, work on the musical, finish my last five classes, and finally graduate.

That’s not how it worked out and I was, am still, devastated. Felt world ending. I didn’t get into the play or musical and this President thing just feels like a heavy load on my chest that I just don’t want to fulfill anymore. And hell I’m already tired of my classes. Oh and my roommate and I aren’t friends and my best friend graduated in December. That’s not how I wanted my final semester of college to go.

There was only one thing I was completely banking on was continuing my career with Disney by working at Disney World for at least this Summer. I had my interview in early January feeling like it went the best it could have been but after waves of acceptances coming out I just kept on not getting one. They let me know I’d find out by two days after my twenty-second birthday. I was hoping, yearning for the sweet call of Florida to welcome me home after January had beaten me down like no other. I couldn’t do anymore disappointment.

January was cold. Not normal January cold but the coldest January I have felt for Northern Illinois in my four years of living here. So not only was my schedule pilled high and disappointment after disappointment arrived in my inbox the cherry on top I was just freezing everywhere I went.

I didn’t want to suffer in Illinois anymore so I made a sporadic purchase and bought a plane ticket to Florida for the weekend after my birthday in early February. It was truly one of the best decisions I have made in my life, the quickest trip of my life was the pick me up I needed. It was the sunshine I felt rejuvenated. For the first time since October I felt the sun full sun on my face and felt like I could breathe again. I’ve since realized that while I love my seasons, fall is my absolute favorite, Illinois is not the place for me right now. Maybe I’ll be back, besides holidays at home in Southern Illinois, but there’s no permanent place in Illinois for me right now and I’m okay with that.

Luckily, two days after my birthday my acceptance rolled into the inbox telling me “Congratulations.” But to me it was really telling me “You won’t have to suffer the sun saying goodbye early,” “you won’t have to suffer under the guise of fake spring.” I’m going to be welcomed home by the Florida sun. I get to live with my best friend while living and working at the place that makes me feel like a kid again.

College will be in my past and I’m okay with that. I’ll leave behind the cold, the classes, the anxiety that comes with forgetting to do the reading for that day, the anxiety that I’m not good enough. While that last one may not completely disappear as much as I’d like it to, I don’t have deliver on what has to be the best essay ever and that monologue is spectacular. I can fully be me just now under the Florida sun. And while I don’t think moving will fully cure my seasonal depression I think it will help. If I never want to walk -40 degree F weather I don’t ever have to do it again. And that gives me comfort.

If you’re feeling any seasonal depression I’m right there with you, writing from Northern Illinois where the snow flurries are coming down today. One piece of advice I’ve gotten was always have a vacation planned if you can: you should work to live not live to work. I hope you feel better soon.

every growing playlist to help me beat the funk: seasonal depression can go jump in a lake