I killed a spider last night

I killed a spider last night.

It wasn’t deliberate. I didn’t want to kill it. It was an automatic response to fear.

I realized what I’d done immediately. A poor little spider, just minding its business, dead because it happened to cross my path.

“I’m so sorry,” I told it, as if that could undo anything.

And that sent me down a rabbit hole of questions about fear of the unknown, until everything narrowed into one:

Why do we fear carving our own path?

Fear of the unknown is part of what made us survive as a species. The ones who ignored curiosity stayed close to the fire and made it back to the village unharmed.

But what happened to the ones who wandered off?

Some probably died. A bear. A poisonous berry. A bad step.

But some found better land. New food. New skills. New ways to live.

The ones who didn’t let fear control them often lived richer lives, even if they were shorter.

So maybe the real question before choosing a path isn’t “What do I want?”

Maybe it’s “What do I fear the most?”

Do I fear death?

Or do I fear living a life not worth living?

For people in creative fields, that question is brutal. We’re taught early that artists are broke. Lazy. People who didn’t want to do things the hard way.

But is that true?

You stand between a rock and a hard place. You want a fulfilling inner life, even if it means struggling to pay rent. But you’re told over and over that you’ll starve.

Physically, maybe.

But emotionally and intellectually, choosing the wrong path starves you anyway.

If youre a writer, a musician, a photographer, you probably discovered your gift young. Teachers praised you. Then pushed you toward the “real” path. The safe one. The traditional one. The get-a-degree-marry-have-kids one.

Slowly, your creative spark dims.

Until you convince yourself you could never make a life out of it. So you compromise.

Most frustrated artists choose something adjacent. Close enough to feel responsible. Far enough to feel empty.

I did it too. As a writer and photographer, I chose graphic design.

A balanced life. Not miserable. Not fulfilled.

Just… fine.

And fine is a dangerous place to get stuck.

Because you’re not brave enough to leap, but not comfortable enough to rest.

So you wake up years later thinking, why didn’t I at least try?

Especially when you see other people doing exactly what you once wanted.

Suddenly the path doesn’t feel unknown anymore.

Now the fear changes.

Do I fear failure?

Or do I fear success?

Do I fear falling short?

Or do I fear proving I was capable all along?

It takes an absurd amount of courage to take that first small step. The one that feels enormous.

Stepping off the road means no signs. No guarantees. No one telling you you’re doing it right.

Everything depends on you.

And you might still get lost.

But even if the road is bumpy, full of wrong turns and things jumping out of the dark, it will be yours.

And that makes it worth it.

Fear made me kill a beautiful, black, velvety spider that was just looking for food.

And I regret it.

I don’t want fear making my life choices too.