How to Fail at Masking

I’ve never been a successful masker; I have slipped into the practice, trying to find belonging, but always find the opposite, always finding the mask slipping, showing my true defiant nature, or overcorrecting in the worst ways.

I was a quiet child, for the most part. I loved solitude, but observed too much. I learned to mask by being louder. I learned very quickly that people associated confidence with the ability to project (in more than one way). However, I didn't have the skill. I failed; I was only louder. People thought I was angry whenever I was trying to be heard.

I learned that being quiet was unacceptable. Before, I didn't speak unless I felt I had something important to say. I was a little more feral around my family, but that’s because I trusted them, and had the opposite inclination, and tended to divulge everything, without a filter. I overcorrected and said more than I wanted to; I said too much; I failed at masking.

I learned people didn't want to hear the truth; I overcorrected; I told lies (yes, autistic people are capable of lying).

I learned people had mean-spirited humor; I overcorrected; I told half-truths as jokes and inflicted pain.

I learned I didn't like most of the things people expected out of me, or how I changed when I played into social norms.

My sense of justice has made me loud when I see injustice. My mask has always slipped whenever I see it. I can’t say yes to authority figures or bullies when I see the harm they cause. I can’t blend in. I feel shame for the times I harmed people because I lacked a filter, awareness, or I was trying to play into social norms.

I am learning to love the quiet in me again. I am learning to be loud when it feels right again. I am letting myself be imperfect, without making my imperfections become an excuse not to grow. I’ve decided to take the mask off and risk rejection. It is wonderful and terrifying.

The best way to fail at masking is to be you.

Copyright©️2026 Sojourner “Hughes” Davidson