Home Security
Absurdist, Non-fiction Horror
Apr 9, 2026 · 2 min read
“Hello, [Home Security Company], how may we help you?”
“Hi. I received a call and someone with intent to harm may be headed to my home. Our back door lock is stuck and not responding. The police are coming, but please can you help me?”
“Sure thing! Well, it seems to me that your front door is offline for some reason. Let’s take care of that first.”
“I’ve locked it manually. He won’t get in there. Please, the back door. The lock's stuck.”
“Sure thing! Let’s go on video call so I can see the problem… hmm, well, actually, I’d first like to tell you that your batteries are low.”
“What?”
“Yes, you have three locks in total, you see. And two have low batteries—the office door lock and the front door locks are only at 38%. You will want to replace those soon.”
“Okay?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, just so we’re clear, I don’t care about those doors. They’re locked. Please, look at this back door.”
“Sure thing! Hmm, turn the camera and let me see the lock and let’s wait a moment to see what color it blinks. Waiting. Waiting. It might take a minute—“
“It blinked red.”
“Red?”
“Yes, red. See, it blinked red again. What do I do? He’ll be here soon.”
“Well, it might be an issue with this lock’s internal mechanics. First I need you to get a screw driver.”
“Why would I need a screw driver?”
“Well, we need to take the lock apart to look inside at its mechanics.”
“…”
“…”
“That completely removes it from the door.”
“Yes.”
“I’m not going to do that. The door would have a giant hole. And no lock.”
“Yes.”
“Could you suggest literally anything else short of disassembling the lock, that I need, from the door.”
“Sure thing! Well, you may need to call a technician. It’s a $100 fee per visit.”
“What?”
“Oh! But you know, for the low price of just $9.99 a month, the technician can come to your house and replace any broken mechanisms in our alarm system. It’s part of our highly rated Security Management Program.”
“What—”
“Yes, for just $9.99 a month, you would avoid the $100 fee for their visit. They would come and fix or even replace our broken equipment, at no charge. Would you like me to—.”
CRASH.
BANG.
“…Ma’am? Hello? Was that a ‘yes’ to our program? Hello?”
Photo by Muhammad Zaqy Al Fattah on Unsplash
Reality can be stranger than fiction. Edited for brevity and privacy. We are safe. Love ya.
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