Hacksawed Peaches

"Girl, I have been waiting to talk to you all weekend."

"Oh my god! I wasn't hiding. We're talking now!"

"I think I'm going to go to HR and make a formal complaint…"

"Oh my god, don't, he got a claymore mine on his desk! He's crazy!?"

"Well, I was upset all weekend, I didn't even tell my husband, I was afraid of how he'd react."

"Oh my god, well you have to tell me now."

"Here in the breakroom?"

"There's literally no one here. Oh my god, just tell me!"

"Well… I have to tell someone, right? Alright, you know that weird lunch show thing we had last week…"

"The magician, of course. Oh my god."

"Yeah… I would have rather gone to Medieval Times, like he said."

"Oh my god, gross, that place smells like horse poop."

"Well, there's no way this was better. Can you believe he got us meatball sandwiches, too?"

"Oh my god, ground beef is nasty."

"I tried to hide, but of course I'm volun-told by Mendelson to be the 'beautiful assistant.'"

"Oh my god, I know. I was so proud of you! You looked so pretty up there."

"It was gross–wearing a tank top to perform magic in a warehouse breakroom, really? He smelled like an ancient motel mattress. Missing fingers. Twenty minutes for one trick… They had to give me a tetanus shot… and there's other stuff too–that's why I wanted to go to HR."

"Oh my god, Sugar!"

"Come on girl, you don't have to keep saying 'oh my god', it almost seems disrespectful."

"…"

"Oh my god what?"

"…Oh nevermind— so then he gave me that dirty cape and laid me down on that plastic fold up table."

"Oh my god, I know. I could see your underwear."

"What? OH MY GOD YOU COULD?"

"Oh my god, yes they were yellow… and ragged. We need to hit the mall this weekend."

" You didn't think… GIRL, YOU DIDN'T think to tell me? Oh my GOD!"

"No? Oh my god, that's embarrassing. Ever heard of don't shoot the messenger? I care about you!"

"I… so everyone else…"

"…"

"Pause, Rusty's getting creamer."

"…"

"Oh my god, why does he take so long to do stuff…"

"Anyways, I was lying there under the sweaty magician."

"Oh my god, he was dripping… isn't that when he burped on you?"

"YES! Did you hear him try to say sorry…"

"Oh my god. At least he's a polite panhandler!"

"Yeah! A what now?"

"I see him all the time by the off-ramp. Oh my god! You didn't recognize him?"

"Wait, my magi… the magician?"

"Yes. Oh my god, who else?"

"The one that did a terrible job 'cutting me in half' in front of the whole office?"

"Oh my god, duh… he was literally there today, with the hacksaw! A cop was talking to him and pointing at a cut down stop sign by that school on Seventh. Oh, that's right, you live on the bougie side of town. Huh, maybe Mendelson let him keep the saw after the show?"

"…Mendelson!"

"Oh my god. Don't complain, I need this job…"

"Come on, I'm just talking here."

"Oh my god–shush it–here comes Mendelson–"

"Aw sh–"

"Hey girls… fancy seeing you here. How's the day treating you? Almost time for cocktails. You young ladies have any plans?"

"Oh my god, Howie! Only four times today! We were just talking about your magician!"

"Wasn't he great… I love getting him in here. That man is doing things! Only the best for my munchkins."

"Oh? Really… Well, that's interesting because I just heard–"

"Oh my GOD! Howie… That tie! Where did you get it?"

"This old thing? I'm glad you noticed it."

"His wife prob–"

"WELL Peaches… you would never guess… but I bought this bad boy at the thrift store."

"Oh my god. No way. Someone donated that? Crazy."

"Yup. Poor thing, I had to save it from destruction. I get a lot of my clothes there. It's more about sustainability than it is about price… of course."

"Oh. My. God. Wow."

"Exactly…"

"That's… amazing. Hey Mendelson…"

"Why yes, Madame. How can I service you–how can I be of service?"

"Did… wow… Didn't you find it strange, the magician used the wrong saw?"

"What? Excuse me?"

"Last Friday, when 'Bubba the Magnificent' cut me in half…"

"A classic since before Houdini, though he goes by Leo the Magnificent if you had forgotten."

"Oh my god, and she was so good, I didn't see her secret–"

"Well, what saw do they use to cut someone in half? It's not a hacksaw. My husband builds furniture, loves to talk about it. There are different types of saws..."

"How very clever. You know tools... I'm failing to see your point, miss."

"You really are... You should use a fake saw. That should make sense to everyone, it's pretty basic common sense. A professional should know to use a prop to prevent any chance of injury, right?"

"Well… I–"

"I'm sorry?"

"I don't think a professional should ask questions, especially after I treated everyone to a free lunch time show. Be careful of biting the hand that feeds you…"

"Wow, really Mr. Mendelson?"

"I mean… I understand your point. If you have a complaint, reach out to HR. That's what you should have done. That's corporate policy."

"Fantastic advice, surprisingly. I'll make an appointment with HR. Hopefully Leo has insurance… I'll need the address of the booking company to get their information. Otherwise the company is on the hook…"

"Insurance? What?"

"For my workplace injury… while I was the magician's assistant. I need someone to pay my hospital bill."

"Oh my god, you got receipts!"

"Well now, don't be hasty. Leo is a friend of this office and I don't think it's a good idea to lose that relationship over a misunderstanding…"

"I see. Well thank you for your leadership on this one, Peaches."