Forbidden Grief

A Flash Memoir

Hughes

Mar 4, 2026 · 3 min read

(Photo: Christmas Eve, 2025)

I was convinced we were meant to be in each other’s lives after two weeks (I know 🤦🏾‍♂️). There was a sense of belonging and familiarity that I had never experienced in every conversation we had. For once, I felt seen. We were very different, but we were able to appreciate each other. We wanted the same things out of a relationship, and when I opened up about my depression, she didn’t turn away.

Though all those things were true and she kept on proving me wrong, I kept on feeling afraid that she would reject me, or think I was too much, but she never did. After about a month, I noticed I was doing most of the initiating. This has been a pattern in past relationships.

I confronted her. She admitted to dropping the ball. She had been dealing with her own depression, and couldn't give me what I needed or wanted. I left the door open for her, but we decided to stop talking for the time being.

It was excruciating to end our conversations. I hated it. I continued thinking of her. I eventually gave in and texted her. She said she had stopped smoking weed and was doing better. We resumed talking. Everything was great; we had wonderful conversations and began to learn more about one another. Talking to her was something regular to look forward to.

Everything great ends.

On the day before Christmas Eve Eve, we had planned to stream a movie together; she was supposed to choose. I logged onto the app and texted her. She didn't respond. I don't remember how long I sat, waiting for a response (probably too long).

I try not to make assumptions. In the morning I texted her a greeting and asked how things were. Though I had been catastrophizing that night, everything had been fine. She had fallen asleep by accident. I tried to let her know I understood. I didn’t get a response.

Christmas Eve and Christmas were rough. I felt depleted and joyless.

After that, I was sad, but I was also pissed, annoyed at myself, and angry at the situation. I felt like I couldn’t be angry at her. I had ugly thoughts, and I wanted to punish myself for them. I couldn’t stop obsessing about how things ended, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone.

After a while, things calmed down, but she was still at the back of my mind. In mid-January, I texted her asking for the ability to apologize if I had done something wrong. In mid-February, she responded with an apology, explaining that she doesn’t deal well with feeling ashamed.

My anger melted away. I thanked her for apologizing.

So, this is the part that sucks; I never stopped feeling sad. I never stopped feeling like we were meant to be in each other’s lives. I never thought it had to be forever, but wouldn’t that have been nice? I still think about her, and I feel like I have no right to care so much and experience so much grief over someone I never met in person.

P.S.

Sorry for the grammar issues; I’m dyslexic.