Doomsday Hotline
Because I could really use one.
Welcome to the global doomsday hotline, thank you for calling.
In order to provide the best service for your situation, please let us know what we may help you with today:
If you would like to discuss the “AI Shitshow”, please press 1.
If the growing financial crisis concerns you, please press 2.
Want to talk about the collapsing global climate? Please press 3.
For a conversation about the impending death of democracy, please press 4.
If you need help processing late stage capitalism in general, please press 5.
Your specific crisis, disaster or calamity was not on this list? Please press 6.
Thank you for choosing the doomsday hotline for your worries. Unfortunately, all our lines are presently taken. Please hold the line, a dedicated doomsday service line helper will be there for you shortly.
In the meanwhile, please make sure to take a deep breath and keep your mind healthy with pleasant thoughts. As you surely know, it’s never as bad as it may seem.
It appears all our doomsday service line helpers are currently engaging in lengthy conversation. We kindly ask you to call again in around fifteen minutes. We hope our service was to your satisfaction today. Don’t forget to leave a rating to win a first row ticket for a crisis, disaster or calamity near you.
Happy doomsday.
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