Cn I be honest?
I have a lot to say, honestly...
Can I be honest? Am I even allowed to be completely honest with you all?
I always feel as though I need to ask permission to speak my mind, as I never believe my presence is wanted. I never feel as though I am allowed to have an opinion, or be honest, or real, or show that I truly am human.
So, I need to ask if I am allowed to share who I am, and let you into my mind.
The last few months have been rough, and there have been many times my depression and fears have caused me to often feel completely inadequate at times. It has been hard. The world is a horrible state, and each day I wake up praying it is a terrible nightmare, and it will all be over soon. I do not wish to die, but I wish that this is all a fucked-up dream, and we are not repeating history, and the economy is destroyed to the point where no one can truly afford to live a comfortable life, let alone to live.
Currently, I am a college student. I have said this many times, and I am grateful; however, that blessing has hurt me many times. I cannot get a job, sadly, despite trying day after day to get one. I am almost begging each day for a job, as I need the income to afford college, but also to help my fiancé afford life. He has been laid off recently, and that has added a new level of financial stress to us both, as we are scared about the future, our bills, and so much more. Due to all of that, I turned to TikTok to sell products as a way to try to make some money.
Does it help? Barely.
Do I like it? No.
It is weird because I never like asking for help, not just because of pride, but because I do not want to be perceived as a burden. That is how I view myself. A burden.
I do not see my emotions as logical or valid, just annoying noises that remind others that I am a burden to society. I do not show myself the same grace I show others, and that is because I do not like myself. At all. I never have, and at times, I do not think I ever will. I wake up every day and don’t like seeing myself in the mirror. Even when I do my makeup, I don’t like my reflection at all. When I get a shower, it is with the lights off. I don’t want to be seen; I refuse to be perceived. I do not see myself as worthy.
That is who I am. A 6’1” 30-year-old trans woman who is full of self-hatred.
I have been in therapy for years, and I have learned nothing. Each day, I try my best, and I still live in absolute fear, and then add in the other stressors, and I still feel like I am a failure. This all connects back to the previous post I made regarding comparison, but as of late, a lot of what I do revolves around others. How can I make myself worthy of love, but also how can I make myself worthy of others’ acknowledgment?
I do not know why I do this, or why this occurs, but within my mind, I want to be perfect for others. I want to be happy and free, but I do not think I will ever feel that way. At least not in this lifetime.
Living in Fear
There are many times I live in complete fear as well. Right now, as many of you know, America is a hellscape. It is alarming what this current administration is doing, not just on a global scale, but also within the United States. The administration is attacking everyone they do not like, and ICE is going door to door now to get anyone. Now, I live in fear and never leave my house. Ever. I live in fear. Why? Because I am transgender.
The current administration has taken many steps to target minorities, not just immigrants. *Just so we make this clear, Immigrants built America, and you cannot be illegal on stolen land. Thank you.* That said, there have been many movements where we see that anyone can be targeted simply because they were in the right place at the wrong time. There have even been rumors that ICE will be going door to door now to find people, potentially breaking down doors and more. That’s where my fear begins.
If transgender individuals are targeted, what does that mean for my family? Will we be targeted soon? Do I need to panic? What should I do then? Do we need to move far away and hope that everything will be okay? Hell, do I just detransition in an attempt to hide myself a bit more as a white gay man?
These thoughts have been running through my mind the last week or so, and each time I think about it more, I become cripple with fear, and shut down mentally and physically. The idea that I may hurt my family simply for existing leaves me riddled with guilt. Despite all of the family issues, I would do anything for them, so I fear that if they start coming door to door, what would happen to all of us? I cannot protect us. I cannot protect anyone.
I mention this because I live in America, and currently, our world is a horrible state of decline. Since everything has started collapsing into a corrupt world where murder is allowed. Rape is allowed. The Epstein files are seen as a joke, and we are completely desensitized to it all. We are allowing the pain to continue and allowing injustice to spread. This is sadly America now, and no one seems to care at all, as every voice that screams for justice is ignored. This is a common occurrence, and it hurts me. It scares me. I do not want to live in a world like that, and every time I see the news and watch how more and more people are being violated and attacked, I want to curl up into a ball and die. I want to vanish because this is not a world I want to live in.
I want everyone to be happy, healthy, and safe.
I want everyone to be loved. I want everyone to be free.
No one is illegal on stolen land.
February 26th, 2026
A lot has happened since I first started this, and in that time, I have watched Substack die in a way that proved to me time and time again how horrible people are. Racists, Nazis, and more have appeared, and the joy I once found here has died. It was quick and painful. I cried and felt a piece of who I am get ripped from my body. A community I crafted to love one another, and defended before, back in December 2025; it was tainted again. It always is.
In December, I was scared, hurt, and betrayed by someone I thought was a good person, but they felt it was appropriate to equate the idea of someone transitioning as a way to destroy one’s masculinity. They said that trans individuals are destroying “men.” I was irate, and I hoped for a true answer and resolution. I never got that. They walked away untouched, and I was left feeling hurt, betrayed, and scared. A week on Substack, and I was conversing with a Nazi who was kind to my face, yet wished ill upon me and my community.
Now, I am here, lost. Hurt. Scared.
What has this space become? Many of the people I am mutuals with have been attacked in ways that make me feel violated, and the silence from Substask is deafening. Does anyone actually care, or are women truly seen as such lesser beings in the eyes of men that they cannot be bothered to intervene? Hundreds of individuals have spoken up, yet… silence. Why? Why do these men feel the need to show us time and time again that they never cared about others? Is this a genetic defect that causes men to lack empathy at times?
All of this is occurring, and I’m sitting here feeling powerless and broken. This is a fight to save the site that was for the arts, and it will never be easy, but this fight needs to happen. It needs to be done.
I don’t want to make this about me, but it is affecting me in a way that I have to speak about. People I am friends with are being harassed, and I cannot sit idly by and let this continue. I also cannot sit by and let this site become destroyed by racists, nazis, bigots, xenophobes, and more. This cannot occur. This was once a safe space, and despite struggling with the idea of comparison, I still loved coming onto Substack daily, even if it just meant I was lurking and silently supporting everyone. This was a haven that I enjoyed, and kept me inspired to write, and was what helped push me to strive to become a better writer as well. I loved it every day, but now, it is ruined.
I want what once was, but even then, that was a beautiful lie. No space on the internet is truly wholesome and free from these incels. I know this, but I love to live in denial and assume that there will be no issue at all, and possibly the old Substack will return. That is not possible, sadly. Hate is forever, and as long as there are no consequences for those who are vile to all. So, while my mental health declines due to stress, anxiety, and chronic depression, I ask you all to speak up. Please.
As long as hate lives within the world of Substack, we will never know peace, and we will all be victims.. Below is the link to a Change.org petition. Please sign it. Please share it. PLEASE RAISE HELL! Speak up and help others, as we demand justice!