blog feb28

feeling back and forth over the willingness to be alive is so confusing, and theres no space to think abt it. when im in crisis theres no room for logic, and when im chill i dont wanna ruin it by thinking abt it too much, though i know the second option is the one i should engage with.

i cant walk properly, its making me feel out of control. i cant walk up the stairs and im afraid ill lose my capability of doing stuff. cs now i have someone helping me, but thats temporary. and its a long staircase, wide and with lots of ways to trip and fall. the ground material is slippery. i feel insecure in my body and i have never felt a discomfort that is so fundamental to functionality, to mobility. it is worrying me a lot. i tell ppl i can go well w the crutches but thats not true, i lose my balance every so often. my other leg is shaky and gives up on me sometimes, and my arms get tired easily. it also hurts my palms and armpits, i can feel my ribs burning when i lie to sleep and walking feels like torture. i feel my knee loose inside the brace. maybe i should just tighten it but i already feel my leg getting numb, and my veins pulsating against it. it hurts. and theres no medication for that, bc its a pressure problem. theres nothing i can do anyway, i might as well go on with life and whatever. solve it as it comes to me and try to keep sane doing my little stuff and talking online. thats the most reasonable thing to be done, yet i still feel uneasy.

there are important assignments coming up soon at uni and i wont be there for it. the professors have not acknowledged my emails, and im worried itll impact my whole semester. and keeping up with the reading has been tough, since theres no context to it. i dont know how they are talking about it, how they are connecting all those informations, mainly because the books and papers are just references. im worried ill fall behind, and i havent been able to meet anyone properly. im thinking about asking in the group chat whos willing to help me personally and trying to think on a way to word it without feeling like a beggar.

i feel vulnerable in all forms and ways. im now truly understanding the meaning of kindness. and im afraid it isnt smth guaranteed and that i will go through hardship. its fine though. even if i cant keep up, i can always start again.

yeah its gonna be alright. its alright.