anger as a defense

i love you and you’re losing me

i love you and you’ve lost me— but i don’t know how to let you go

iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou

is a phrase i often scream into the wind

often, i wish it would scream back

your silence overwhelms me, forcing me to speak

throat raw, smeared tears, and

ever. heightening. anger.

indignacy— dare i say disgust

and i really think that you love me too

but not as much as you love your fear

your armor of casual cruelties

was soured by never-healed wounds

you pick at your scabs and ask me why they’re still bleeding

so brick by brick,

you go

and hide your painful insecurities

from the scrutiny

of your own perception

paranoia rules your days

your weakness disguised by biting cruelty

you know they won’t notice you

once they’re concerned with the reminder

of their own faults

so you do it again and again

and

again

and ever so slowly

day after day

you become what you once feared

you say the best defense is a good offense

so you systematically destroy our innocence

for fear of what might be

hurt people, hurt people

is something i never really understood

until you hurt me

and knowing why

did nothing to soften your blows

i remember what you once were

and i mourn

for that it is no longer

you made sure of that

i wonder what you’d feel

if you saw yourself now

the person armored by obscene cruelties

armed with callous commentary

in this life that i have lived

i have learned that anger never breeds empathy

and pain rarely results in peace

i wish i could hate you, but i know exactly what you’ve been through

to turn you into this

you won’t answer me

your too terrified by the reminder of your mortality

but you’ll be haunted by me

my screamed words and whispered prayers

that only my mirror understood

but the problem with empathy

is that it can never truly breed anger

how can i hate you?

when i know you so very well

the way you laugh

and cryshoutyelldanceruncarelovelivelivelivelive

i know how you exist

i. know. you.

and somehow, somehow, somehow—

i thought you did too

and that was what really hurt