a vignette, september 2000

He was late, and that fact had painted his mind with dread and shame. Austin to Albany, late, by hours. His heart had sunk because he knew the shuttle that was meant to take him to the college had long since departed. Too tired to panic, he had just trudged on, and took a cab. The thirty-seven miles were bathed in gloom, and he apologetically kept up with the driver's prompts even though he felt no desire to even be perceived. He wished he could dissipate like a gas.

Finally, Williamstown. The sound of his luggage wheels on cool concrete was unbearably harsh in his ears, a ringing, plastic drone that he feared sounded like a crier’s call to one and all to bear witness to this fool! He felt that there were eyes on him, though there seemed to be few people out at this hour. He willed his hot tears of shame evaporate as he approached what he took to be his destination.

Finally, Lehman. The card-readers, thankfully, were turned off, and so he was able to enter without needing a student id, or risking further humiliation. The handle clacked, and he pulled the door open, to a sound that was like a guillotine in the quiet night. Inside, the soft light, clean and institutional, seemed garish. He looked, as he had again and again, at his housing assignment. Lehman east, third floor.

He mostly forgot how he got into his room. A desultory introduction to the male JA, and a key. As soon as the door closed he collapsed afront his desk and sobbed quietly.

He pushed through. He hefted the Toshiba laptop his father had saved up for upon the desk and plugged in the ethernet cable. Priorities. The friendly sound of the AOL Instant Messenger connecting. He opened up Netscape Navigator, more as a ritual than anything else.

In the tiny room, the bed was above the desk. Oh well. With his last bit of strength he grappled with the hard upholstered chair and the cheap wooden bunk-bed frame and flopped onto the mattress. Sleep came soon enough.