a guide to yearning

Today, we (me) are giving the people a guide on how to yearn ethically. I consider it my civil duty as a self-proclaimed lover girl. 

So, you’ve found yourself yearning, huh? Perhaps you consider yourself Yearning Final Boss. I see you, I get you, I’m right there with you, loser lover. We’re in this together.

But the problem is that a yearn is far more intense than a crush. Crushing is light work, yearning is where the training must kick in, because if you don’t know how to deal with a yearn, you’ll imagine your life away. Get your muscles working, because yearn takes strength! 

Yearning is far closer to limerence than a crush. A crush is usually lighthearted and fleeting. I can develop a crush on the mustached cashier at the grocery store, the random guy in the cafe with tattoos, or the dude I saw on the street dancing with his headphones on. Literally the possibilities are endless. I mean, a man could roll his sleeve up and give me eye contact and I’d start thinking about marriage. If a crush is a cheat meal, a yearn is a fast food buffet with a trashy reality tv show on in the background. It is INDULGENT.

A yearn is similar to limerence in that it’s intense, all consuming, and obsessive (Just wait a second there, buddy. This isn’t a call for yearners to become stalkers. Don’t be a weirdo. Obsess respectfully). If you’re an anxious soul like moi (pardon my French), limerence is a natural feeling for you. It’s fairly common to experience. You can dive into why people experience limerence if you want to hurt your feelings. Maybe you want to feel some pain, I dunno. 

Oh dear heavens, what have I gotten myself into? But the people need to know how to yearn, and I will answer the call no one has made. I set up the bat signal and turned it on for myself. 

It’s human to yearn. You’re not a strange creature for having romantic infatuation. We’re programmed to carry on biological processes and seek companionship. Ultimately, I believe humans are wired for connection–that may be platonic or romantic for you, but most of us can’t stand the thought of living life alone. It’s not weak and pitiful to admit that. We yearn for more than ourselves. 

Step into my mind, and I’ll tell you how I yearn. There goes being mysterious. Eh, I told you I’m an oversharer on the internet. Welcome to my loser, yearn girl brain. 

When I experience limerence, I can’t help but think of the person (this can be romantic or platonic, but it largely happens in romantic contexts for me). For example, I see something at a store and think of them. Oh, you might be thinking “Emma, that’s whatever, everyone does that.” But it goes beyond that–it rules my thoughts. I’m thinking about how you’d receive the item if I brought it to you. Would you like it? Would your face light up? Did I understand your mind right? I’ve already thought about our first date (obviously it looks like a movie and it’s perfect–I know better but I indulge). This form of yearning is me constantly wanting to be with the person. I want to get coffee with you. I want to make art with you. I’ve already imagined my life with tattoo man from the coffee shop, while knowing nothing about him at all. This is where limerence starts to unravel my psyche if I’m not careful. 

So, this is where my Guide for Yearners begins. These are steps I take myself to prevent the descent of my thoughts. 

Step One: Identify

Is this yearn angled toward a person in a romantic or platonic sense? Do you want to kiss them (+)? Do you want to hug them (eh, this can go both ways). Do you want to just hangout with them? Dig into your psyche and try to understand what this person means to you. Then, you can know how to proceed with your longing.

Step Two: Action!

Is there obvious reciprocation (this is subjective, be careful)? Congratulations! You can do something about your yearn. If not, are you willing to bring it up? WARNING: proceed with caution. If you’re yearning for your friend in a romantic context, this may fracture your relationship. I’ve done it, and I don’t recommend it unless you have proof you both feel the same way. I’m usually stuck on step two, because friendships mean so much to me, I’m not usually willing to risk them to share my feelings and make the other person uncomfortable. I live in a limbo space because I want my lifelong partner to be my best friend too–that’s the way a relationship truly lasts in my opinion. I’ve seen it in real life–it’s beautiful and I expect nothing less for me. 

Step Three: Move On or Move Forward

Yearning is debilitating at times, and often it’s easier to move on. I’m a poor teacher. I don’t take my own advice. I think I’d usually rather let myself continue to yearn and get hurt. The pain of a yearn is addicting. Listening to sad music and imagining a feverish conversation in the rain where you and this person fight about your feelings is compelling to the mind. 

The problem is, I don’t want to live in a mental space where I’m relying on pain to feel for this person. I want to care about them in the mundane, the ordinary. A relationship that lasts for me is one where there’s as much affection during morning coffee where we both look ridiculous and passionate, high emotion moments. 

So, move on or move forward. Does your yearn have a future or not? Decide this, because you’re only hurting yourself by continuing to obsess over someone who can’t / won’t meet your feelings. 

You’ve heard enough about me. What are you going to do with your yearn?